Fuck You and Your Stroller

Are these your kids? If so, you are a fucking asshole. These double-wide strollers are one of the most assholish things on the planet, right up there with the Ford Expedition.

This is the equivalent of me linking arms with someone else and barreling down the sidewalk, or (if we're really feeling like assholes) through a crowded store.

I hear you, "I've got two kids." Well, get one of those back to back doubles, not this dickhead mobile. Also, one of the kids always looks old enough to walk on their own. Maybe this is why kids are so fucking fat nowadays - they ride in a stroller until age 14. maybe if your kid walked sometimes, she wouldn't look like Precious.

You can usually find these strollers attached to two asshole suburbanite parents, who have decided to bring the whole family out to shop the day after Thanksgiving.

Black Friday is for assholes

Cousins Karen Wilson (left) and Vernita Calbert are ready to camp out for bargains tonight. They bring chairs, a cooler, sandwiches, blankets and newspaper ads. (Keith Hale/Sun-Times)

This story in the Chicago Sun Times says it all. One of the only 4-day weekends of the year and these two shitdicks choose to sit in the cold to get a deal on some bullshit they don't really need. You can get deals just as good at other times of the year, and even if you can't is it worth $50 extra bucks to you to get up at 2 am and wit in the dark? How about this: GO TO A FUCKING JOB IN THAT TIME INSTEAD! YOU'LL MAKE MORE THAN YOU'RE SAVING WAITING IN THIS BULLSHIT LINE! Work the third shift at the candy factory if you like getting up so fucking early.

Also, odds are you won't even get what you're looking for. You know that big screen TV for $300? They only have two of them, and the asshole who got up at 1:45 BEAT YOU TO IT.

Enjoy your vacation and stop being an asshole.

Public Storage is for Assholes

Do you rent a storage space? If so, you an asshole who is hanging onto worthless shit. I’ve come to the conclusion that these storage spaces are a pox on society.

Already, the country is full of assholes who can’t get enough stuff. People move away from awesome cities to live in shitty suburbs so you can get “more house for your money.” What “more house” really means is that you have more space to store worthless shit.



My brother is the king of worthless shit collectors, and he inherited his title from my mother. Recently I was at his house and noticed he had an entire box full of little plug-in warming plates to keep your coffee cup warm on your desk (these came from some condemned house that one of his friends had the good fortune to clean out). How long do you typically keep a cup of coffee on your desk? I usually drink mine while it’s still hot. If it gets cold, I dump it out and get more coffee. I guess I’m the idiot; all I need is one of these mug warmers!

I was also at my dad’s home recently, who has a basement so full of boxes it looks like a showroom for the homeless. He needs all of this space to hold gems like a box of notes from his undergrad in 1971, just in case someone asks him for some notes from Poly Sci 111. Another box contains check registries from the 80s. I’ll remember that if I ever want to reminisce on how much we used to pay for a box of Apple Jacks.

The point is that people can’t let go of crap. Anybody who needs storage should be promptly introduced to the concepts of Ebay and the garbage can. This guy I know who is in foreclosure, but they have a rental space. They keep holiday decorations in it. Way to prioritize.

I saw an ad for Public Storage recently, where the woman said she was getting married and her new husband needs to keep all of his old stuff. What bachelor has anything worth keeping? When I lived by myself, everything I had was either a) second hand or b) some piece of shit from Ikea – ohh can’t let those go! Until I learned of public storage, I thought golf courses were the biggest waste of space in the world. I stand corrected – people who need storage are the biggest wastes of space in the world.


I can't bear to let this one go!!!

Continental Breakfast Should Be an Inalienable Right

I've stayed at four hotels this summer and two of them provided an excellent continental breakfast. They were all the same price, but two of them felt that it was important to feed me, the loving consumer, a hot, prepared breakfast of something resembling eggs and meat.
They should do this everywhere. There is nothing more depressing than the half-assed continental breakfasts the only involve a pile of Honeybuns (still in the cellophane, of course) and one of those metal urns full of that shitty church basement coffee. Speaking of which, what is this horrible brand that all churches and offices serve? Brim?

The Holiday Inn in Mentor, Ohio has a particularly bad-assed breakfast buffet that serves until 10. I got down there at 9:50 and hopped in line. This old bitch in front of had to stare at every offering in the buffet like it was one of those 3D posters. Finally, I realized that if I didn’t make my move, this old crow might cost me my delicious egg-like product. Then when I went around her, she shot me a pissy look. Can you believe that shit? Stephen Hawking could have moved faster through this line. Undaunted, I proceeded to pass her fat ass and use up the rest of the gravy. I was actually doing her a favor. She needed more gravy like Christopher Reeve needs a pair of roller skates.

Please, feel free to share your continental breakfast stories with the rest of the class.

Bachelor Parties are Really Kind of Gay

I went to a bachelor party this weekend, and I came to the realization that these things are pretty gay. Where else would you find a bunch of guys standing in a circle watching a stripper dry hump some guy you have known for years. Would you watch him and his girlfriend do it? Would you tag team with this guy? You’d probably think that was pretty gay. But bachelor parties are totally different, right? Is this thing on?

While I’m on the topic of bachelor parties, what is the deal with urine at these things? I’ve been to three bachelor parties that involved urine. The first two, the stripper pissed on the groom. Pretty gross, right?

When did it become hot to have chicks pee on you? I’m a fairly freaky guy, but this is where I draw the line. Maybe for an after party she can shit on my head. I don’t think you could get me drunk enough to sit still for this. If some stripper tries to piss on me, there’s a 120% chance she’s getting a dragon punch right in the twat.

Now, you notice I didn’t tell you about the third piss party story. Well, your wait is over. This show took it the extra mile. Rather than just gross everybody out by having the stripper pee on him, this overachiever took it the extra mile and drank a shot of the stripper’s piss. That’s someone who’s going to make his mark in the world.

I was there as a boyfriend on his fiancé’s friend, so I don’t hang with this cat every day. Maybe that’s why I couldn‘t understand the crowd of his so-called friends cheering for him to drink piss. I felt like there was something wrong with me - like I was missing the point. If I cheer for him to lick out the toilet at Walgreens, will he do that too? Maybe he just craves recognition.

Things that Suck About Weddings

Wow - this kid really knocked it out of the park. Even dogs can walk up an aisle without being escorted.

With my own nuptials in the planning, I had some time to reflect on the worst parts of the typical wedding. These are things that many brides shit their pants about, but that nobody else really notices or cares about, and often would rather do without.

1) Being in the wedding party. This is the biggest non-gift you can give a friend. It automatically doubles the cost of the wedding for each person in the party (tux or dress, endless party showers and group events), and that photo shoot is excruciating. Thanks, but no thanks.

2) The flower girl. Has this ever worked? I have yet to attend a wedding where the kid makes it down the aisle. It usually devolves into a crying fit before they even start, like they’re about to hit the Trail of Tears. The other option is that the kid stands there like a vegetable and mom has to come and coax them down the aisle. This is supposed to be the kid’s show, mom. Nobody wants to see your dumb ass. In fact, nobody wants to see the kid either.

3) Putting an announcement in the invitation about where you are registered for gifts. Slow down, greedy.

4) The cake. Do you know how ungodly expensive these things are? Who really eats it besides grandma and the kids (who should be at home anyway)? By the time the cake comes around, I’m itching for that bar to reopen, not gearing up to watch two idiots shove $60 slices of cake into each others’ faces.

5) Taking off the garter with your mouth. Trashy.

People Who Have Holiday Weddings Are Jerks

Who are these people who think a holiday wedding is a great idea? I get the concept. The idea is “Oh, they’ll have an extra day off so it’s a great weekend to have our wedding!” You couldn't be more wrong. For one thing, I work every day. When Labor Day or whatever rolls around, I’m looking forward to that three days off so I can chill at home, clean up the house and get drunk at my leisure. I wouldn’t even travel to a preferred destination on these weekends, let alone your wedding in Iowa City. When I’m going on vacation, I would rather use vacation time and make another week of work shorter, rather than wasting my few, precious, shortened holiday weeks.

Beyond that, there is the fact that everybody and their mother is traveling. That makes it a) a huge pain in the ass at the airport (because, unlike me, many stupid people like to use that three days to squeeze in an out of town trip) and b) twice as expensive to travel, because hotels and airlines jack up the rates on holiday weekends.

Now an even bigger asshole is the person who has the New Year’s Eve wedding. If this is you, you are an asshole, no way around it.

Your thinking: “Oh man, this will be so great! All of our friends can spend New Year’s together and celebrate our marriage! This will be a special memory for everyone!”

The truth: Your friends want to spend NYE with their own groups of friends, not watching your little nephew Caleb doing the Electric Slide. Get over yourself.

Wow! Thanks so much for inviting me to this Memorial Day weekend wedding. I can't believe how uncrowded this airport is! Maybe next year, you can just mail me a bag of shit!

The Cowboy Way is Stupid

While visiting a friend in Texas, I was struck with how many seemingly normal adults there like to play cowboy. By that I mean they like to wear a cowboy costume, with hat, boots and belt buckle, and for some reason this is all seen as normal.

I guess it is, except the fact that this cowboy character died out about, oh, 100 years or so back. Nonetheless, the idea that you can play dress up and call yourself a cowboy seems fine in Texas. There is a commentator on the Fox News site who writes about the cowboy way of doing things, noting the ethical and moral codes that cowboys live by. Did a cowboy committee - maybe Wyatt Earp, Jesse James and Hopalong Cassidy - get together and write these rules? Also, I think Billy the Kid was a cowboy and his moral standing seems a bit dubious to me.

Along the same line, I notice that one of the most popular country songs in recent history is “Save a Horse (Ride a Cowboy).” That’s great advice – where’s the time machine parked, so I can get right on this? Country stars, take Clint Black for example, love to dress like they’re going to a shootout with Black Bart. I would venture to say that most of these “cowboys” have a) never ridden a horse, b) never rustled cattle, and c) live in a suburb of Dallas.

Would it be okay if I start playing dress-up too? Will these cowboys criticize me? I want to play colonial settler. I’ll sing hymns, drink mulled cider and practice a strict form of Puritanism (except when I sing my theme song – “Save a Mule, Let a Godfearing Colonial Plow Your Field”).
I'll wear the hat with the buckle on it – the whole deal. Maybe people in Minnesota will start dressing as Norse explorers. You can really pick the character that works for you – ninja, pharaoh, peasant. I’m assuming no one in Texas will have a problem with this, as they are already way ahead on the plan. If they do, show them who’s boss, then tell them they got their ass kicked by a real American peasant – USA! USA! USA!

Howdy Partner! Best get you a holster for that there cell phone on your hip!

What the hell does "Cowboy Up" mean? I plan to "Colonial Up." Does that trump this, since colonials came first?

Mulled cider for everyone!