Public Storage is for Assholes

Do you rent a storage space? If so, you an asshole who is hanging onto worthless shit. I’ve come to the conclusion that these storage spaces are a pox on society.

Already, the country is full of assholes who can’t get enough stuff. People move away from awesome cities to live in shitty suburbs so you can get “more house for your money.” What “more house” really means is that you have more space to store worthless shit.



My brother is the king of worthless shit collectors, and he inherited his title from my mother. Recently I was at his house and noticed he had an entire box full of little plug-in warming plates to keep your coffee cup warm on your desk (these came from some condemned house that one of his friends had the good fortune to clean out). How long do you typically keep a cup of coffee on your desk? I usually drink mine while it’s still hot. If it gets cold, I dump it out and get more coffee. I guess I’m the idiot; all I need is one of these mug warmers!

I was also at my dad’s home recently, who has a basement so full of boxes it looks like a showroom for the homeless. He needs all of this space to hold gems like a box of notes from his undergrad in 1971, just in case someone asks him for some notes from Poly Sci 111. Another box contains check registries from the 80s. I’ll remember that if I ever want to reminisce on how much we used to pay for a box of Apple Jacks.

The point is that people can’t let go of crap. Anybody who needs storage should be promptly introduced to the concepts of Ebay and the garbage can. This guy I know who is in foreclosure, but they have a rental space. They keep holiday decorations in it. Way to prioritize.

I saw an ad for Public Storage recently, where the woman said she was getting married and her new husband needs to keep all of his old stuff. What bachelor has anything worth keeping? When I lived by myself, everything I had was either a) second hand or b) some piece of shit from Ikea – ohh can’t let those go! Until I learned of public storage, I thought golf courses were the biggest waste of space in the world. I stand corrected – people who need storage are the biggest wastes of space in the world.


I can't bear to let this one go!!!