Continental Breakfast Should Be an Inalienable Right

I've stayed at four hotels this summer and two of them provided an excellent continental breakfast. They were all the same price, but two of them felt that it was important to feed me, the loving consumer, a hot, prepared breakfast of something resembling eggs and meat.
They should do this everywhere. There is nothing more depressing than the half-assed continental breakfasts the only involve a pile of Honeybuns (still in the cellophane, of course) and one of those metal urns full of that shitty church basement coffee. Speaking of which, what is this horrible brand that all churches and offices serve? Brim?

The Holiday Inn in Mentor, Ohio has a particularly bad-assed breakfast buffet that serves until 10. I got down there at 9:50 and hopped in line. This old bitch in front of had to stare at every offering in the buffet like it was one of those 3D posters. Finally, I realized that if I didn’t make my move, this old crow might cost me my delicious egg-like product. Then when I went around her, she shot me a pissy look. Can you believe that shit? Stephen Hawking could have moved faster through this line. Undaunted, I proceeded to pass her fat ass and use up the rest of the gravy. I was actually doing her a favor. She needed more gravy like Christopher Reeve needs a pair of roller skates.

Please, feel free to share your continental breakfast stories with the rest of the class.

Bachelor Parties are Really Kind of Gay

I went to a bachelor party this weekend, and I came to the realization that these things are pretty gay. Where else would you find a bunch of guys standing in a circle watching a stripper dry hump some guy you have known for years. Would you watch him and his girlfriend do it? Would you tag team with this guy? You’d probably think that was pretty gay. But bachelor parties are totally different, right? Is this thing on?

While I’m on the topic of bachelor parties, what is the deal with urine at these things? I’ve been to three bachelor parties that involved urine. The first two, the stripper pissed on the groom. Pretty gross, right?

When did it become hot to have chicks pee on you? I’m a fairly freaky guy, but this is where I draw the line. Maybe for an after party she can shit on my head. I don’t think you could get me drunk enough to sit still for this. If some stripper tries to piss on me, there’s a 120% chance she’s getting a dragon punch right in the twat.

Now, you notice I didn’t tell you about the third piss party story. Well, your wait is over. This show took it the extra mile. Rather than just gross everybody out by having the stripper pee on him, this overachiever took it the extra mile and drank a shot of the stripper’s piss. That’s someone who’s going to make his mark in the world.

I was there as a boyfriend on his fiancé’s friend, so I don’t hang with this cat every day. Maybe that’s why I couldn‘t understand the crowd of his so-called friends cheering for him to drink piss. I felt like there was something wrong with me - like I was missing the point. If I cheer for him to lick out the toilet at Walgreens, will he do that too? Maybe he just craves recognition.

Things that Suck About Weddings

Wow - this kid really knocked it out of the park. Even dogs can walk up an aisle without being escorted.

With my own nuptials in the planning, I had some time to reflect on the worst parts of the typical wedding. These are things that many brides shit their pants about, but that nobody else really notices or cares about, and often would rather do without.

1) Being in the wedding party. This is the biggest non-gift you can give a friend. It automatically doubles the cost of the wedding for each person in the party (tux or dress, endless party showers and group events), and that photo shoot is excruciating. Thanks, but no thanks.

2) The flower girl. Has this ever worked? I have yet to attend a wedding where the kid makes it down the aisle. It usually devolves into a crying fit before they even start, like they’re about to hit the Trail of Tears. The other option is that the kid stands there like a vegetable and mom has to come and coax them down the aisle. This is supposed to be the kid’s show, mom. Nobody wants to see your dumb ass. In fact, nobody wants to see the kid either.

3) Putting an announcement in the invitation about where you are registered for gifts. Slow down, greedy.

4) The cake. Do you know how ungodly expensive these things are? Who really eats it besides grandma and the kids (who should be at home anyway)? By the time the cake comes around, I’m itching for that bar to reopen, not gearing up to watch two idiots shove $60 slices of cake into each others’ faces.

5) Taking off the garter with your mouth. Trashy.

People Who Have Holiday Weddings Are Jerks

Who are these people who think a holiday wedding is a great idea? I get the concept. The idea is “Oh, they’ll have an extra day off so it’s a great weekend to have our wedding!” You couldn't be more wrong. For one thing, I work every day. When Labor Day or whatever rolls around, I’m looking forward to that three days off so I can chill at home, clean up the house and get drunk at my leisure. I wouldn’t even travel to a preferred destination on these weekends, let alone your wedding in Iowa City. When I’m going on vacation, I would rather use vacation time and make another week of work shorter, rather than wasting my few, precious, shortened holiday weeks.

Beyond that, there is the fact that everybody and their mother is traveling. That makes it a) a huge pain in the ass at the airport (because, unlike me, many stupid people like to use that three days to squeeze in an out of town trip) and b) twice as expensive to travel, because hotels and airlines jack up the rates on holiday weekends.

Now an even bigger asshole is the person who has the New Year’s Eve wedding. If this is you, you are an asshole, no way around it.

Your thinking: “Oh man, this will be so great! All of our friends can spend New Year’s together and celebrate our marriage! This will be a special memory for everyone!”

The truth: Your friends want to spend NYE with their own groups of friends, not watching your little nephew Caleb doing the Electric Slide. Get over yourself.

Wow! Thanks so much for inviting me to this Memorial Day weekend wedding. I can't believe how uncrowded this airport is! Maybe next year, you can just mail me a bag of shit!